People watching

Working during shows, you have a really great opportunity to people watch. And sometimes, you'd rather not see what you see. Here are a few examples.

1. One lady came in wearing a print so loud you wanted to cry. And she was wearing both pieces--the top and the bottom. To quote a coworker "she'd blend in well with a watermelon."

Lesson 1: when it comes to bold prints, top or bottom, not both.

2. Older gentleman wearing pants up to the middle of his ribcage. With a belt. And suspenders.

Lesson 2: Belt or suspenders. Choose one or the other, not both.

3. Older gentleman, wearing a button down shirt. It would have been fine, except for the giant eagle with rippling American flag behind it. It took up most of the shirt and the sleeves.

Lesson 3: Be patriotic, but within reason. Wave your flag on a flagpole, not emblazoned upon your barrel chest.

4. Late-middle age larger woman. In stretch pants with no back pockets and a shorter cotton shirt (no exposure, just not long).

Lesson 4: If you are larger sized, stretch pants with no back pockets either make you look like a frog who stood up or a pair of beach balls. Just say no to ill fitting pants. It is still possible to dress nice no matter your age or size. Keep telling yourself this.

5. Young-middle age woman. She was wearing one of those pretty satin shirts that is in fashion right now, the ones with the empire waist and somewhat low neckline. But she wore a ribbed turtleneck beneath it.

Lesson 5: Dressy shirt with utilitarian turtleneck beneath is not what we mean by "layering your look." Just say no to bad fashion choices. When in doubt, ask a friend.

More to come.

Where am I?

We had a customer call us for information about our theatre--dates, times, that sort of thing. Things seemed OK for the most part until the near end of the conversation.

Patron: And you are located in City X?

Me: No, actually we are in City Y (which is the next city north).

Patron (pauses): Are you sure?

(Uh, pretty darn!)

Me: Yes, sir, we are in Y.

Patron: Oh, ok...thank you.

Really? You thought I didn't know where I was? Did you think we'd outsourced a local community theatre's box office?

Can you hear me now?

This is how I started my day. I hadn't even been in the box office 5 minutes.

Me: Thank you for calling the box office how may I help you?

Patron: Yes, I want to get tickets for your first summer show.

Me: Certainly, what date would you like?

Patron:.......I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.

Me (louder): Yes, what date would you like to attend?

Patron: Oh, I'd like to go June 10.

Me (still loud): Could I have your name please?

Patron:.........I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You keep fading out.

Me (even louder): Could I have your name please?

Patron: It's Jane Doe

Me (still very loud): And your address?

Patron:....It's 123 Main Street

Me (still very loud): And your zip code?

Patron: What?

Me (even louder--now I am echoing down the hall): What is your zip code?

Patron: What?

Me (shouting so loud that I could be heard up and down the hallway and probably through two doors): WHAT IS YOUR ZIP CODE, PLEASE??

Patron: I still can't hear you. Maybe I should just come in.

Me (shouting at the top of my lungs): YES, THAT WOULD BE BEST

Patron (mumbles): I can't hear her *click*

Some fun quotes

Some entertaining remarks from patrons to people with whom I work:

“I am interested in your summer season. I just saw your last show and… haha… let me tell ya… my diaper is still not dry from that one.” Um, ok...ew


“Hi I ordered tickets for the summer. The person that I talked to said that they were mailing them but I don’t remember giving them my name or address." Oh dear, little old lady. Oh dear.

Random guy- “Hi I would like to exchange my summer tickets.”

Box Office Employee- “Sorry sir, individual tickets are not refundable nor exchangeable.”

RG- “Do you want to be responsible for my divorce?”

BOE- “No sir.”

RG- “Well you will be if you won’t exchange these tickets.”

...Okayed from supervisor to exchange it….

BOE-“Congratulations sir I saved your marriage.”

We're closed

Hello, dumbass. We're closed. Stop calling over and over again and listening to the voicemail message that clearly SAYS we're close in addition to spelling out what our normal business hours are and then hanging up, resulting in multiple "messages" of the sound of a phone receiver hanging up. We're closed, and now we know you're stupid and don't pay attention because we have Caller ID! And no, we're not calling you back if you can't be bothered to leave a proper message (you wouldn't know we have Caller ID anyhow). Call back DURING business hours and we'll be more than happy to help you.

March composite

And here is the March composite.

This one never fails to crack me up.

Patron: Could I get four tickets for the show tonight?

Desdemona: Sure thing. The best seats I have are in row J, seats 5, 7, 9, and 11.

Patron (confused): Oh...are those together?

Desdemona: (No, I am putting a random stranger between you and each member of your party. What the heck do you you think? If all we had left were seats that weren't together, I would have told you!!!) Yes, sir, they are odd numbered seats on the left.

Patron: Oh, gee, that's kind of confusing.

Desdemona: (Not really. They're odd numbered seats. The numbers are odd numbers, like 5, 7, 9, and 11. Odds. Evens. Ever heard of it?) I understand. But they are together.

Patron: Are you sure?

Desdemona: (nope, let me check my Odd and Even Numbers for Idiots guidebook) Yes, I am sure.

Patron: Well, if you're certain. I guess we'll take those.

Desdemona: Very well.

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I walked into this one, so I am partially to blame. This guy gave me the heebies over the phone!!

Desdemona: Thank you for calling the box office, my name is Desdemona. How may I help you.

Patron: I'd like to get a ticket to tonight's dance concert.

Desdemona: Sure thing. Are you sure you wouldn't like more than one (I ask jokingly...dance concerts never sell well)?

Patron: Well, no, I'm a single guy looking for something to do tonight. I don't have a date. I got a part time job, and I'm looking for someone I can spend time with. I've got some prospects, but you know, I'm just looking around.........Can you put a good one on hold where I won't be a bother to anyone?

Desdemona: Um...ok. Well, we don't put seats on hold without payment, but there are plenty of seats available for this show if you wanted to purchase one at the door.

Patron: Oh, well I was going to come down there in a little while. I'm just a single guy and I was going to take the 10:35 bus and that will get me there at 11:25, so I can just come in then and get a tickets. I was going to go over to IHOP to get some pancakes, and then I was going to walk over the...what is that street called...Central...Centerville....oh Central Parkway...yeah, that street. I was going to walk over from the IHOP after I have pancakes and come across Central Parkway and get my ticket then. I'm just a single guy, clean cut, and I'm looking for someone to date, but right now I'm just single and I'm still looking for someone to share my life with.

Desdemona: (holy TMI batman!) Sure, that would be fine.

Patron: Yes, then after I come across Central Parkway and get my ticket I was going to go to Wal-Mart because then I need to get some things from there and then I will have some lunch at the McDonalds before I go back home. Tonight I'll take the 6:45 bus back to the theatre, I'm just a single guy and I'll be coming alone, so that I will be there at 7:35. What time do the doors open?

Desdemona: Well, we'll open the door at 7:30 (please stop talking).

Desdemona: Oh, well that's great. Man, I used to remember when I would go over to the State University and watch the football games. One time I saw Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons. Oh man, they were great! I used to go watch Franki Valli sing and he's just fantastic. I remember Frankie Valli was wearing a green blazer and I would go over to the University to see them play. I wish I had had someone to go to the Frankie Valli concert. That would have been great. I'm just a single guy and trying to meet people.

Desdemona: (oh crap, please go away). Um...Ok, we'll just come in to get your ticket when you get here.

Patron: Oh that's great. I'll come over after I get there on the 10:35 bus and after I go to the IHOP to have my pancakes....I'll walk over there across that Central Parkway. Thanks for your help and I'll see you when I get there after I take the bus at 10:35....

Desdemona: (Oh, my God. Save me!) Ok, thank you.

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The sign on our counter reads "Ring Bell for Service," and there is a bell right in front of it. Simple concept, right? Apparently not. People will stand there, bell directly in front of them, and squeak out "Excuse me? Excuse me?" in a barely audible whisper. Excuse you for being thick, I guess. Ring the damn bell!

Then there are those people who will stand behind the other half of the counter (where there is a solid wall between the inner office and the outer counter) and clear their throat...I can't see you, genius, and if we're busy, I sure can't hear your "ahem ahems." Ring the damn bell!

But by far the worst offenders are the ones who stand there, read the sign, and proceed to make bell sounds with their voices. Uh...ring the bell, don't become the bell!!

And by the way, for those of you who can follow instructions, one ring is sufficient. Multiple rings just renders you a jackass in my book. PING! One ring! It's the genius of the bell!

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Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please?? Here's a bit of information that you may find useful.

We are open Monday-Friday, 9am until 5pm. For those of you who are bad at math, this means we have 8 hours to serve you, and 5 days worth of those 8 hours. Add it all up and we are here to serve you for 40 hours during any given regular week.

Now, all that being said, it is not necessary to call/come to our counter between 10 am and noon only. This is especially true on Mondays. Trust me...we're here in the afternoons, too. In fact, we're generally not that busy in the afternoons. Try us then. Also, don't get pissy with us when we can't take your phone call right away...we're busy! It happens! We'll call you back if you leave a message.

Get it? Got it? Good!

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We had a customer yesterday who tried to exchange his single tickets for another performance. Our policies only allow for exchanged on subscription packages. Apparently, trying to exchange single tickets is a common occurrence with this guy. Read on.

Patron: Yes, I have tickets for the 7/20 performance and I need to exchange them to another date.

Desdemona: May I have your name please (why is it that people just call up and lay into their situation before even telling you who they are!?)?

Patron: Jack Ash*

Desdemona: Ok Mr. Ash, I see that you have only purchased tickets for this one event. Unfortunately, we don't allow exchanges on single tickets, only on subscription tickets.

Patron: What!!! No one told me this!! This is the first time I've heard this. Have you changed your policy? You need to tell people when you do this.

Desdemona: No sir, this has been our policy from the beginning. We only allow exchanges on subscription package tickets. That is the benefit of being a subscriber.

Patron: This is just crazy. I cannot accept this. Is there someone there who is over you that I can speak with?

Desdemona: I am the manager, sir.

Patron: And you condone these policies?? They're not "customer friendly," you know.

Desdemona: I am sorry you feel that way (jackass), but these are our policies and every one of our student workers is trained to relay these policies to all of our patrons.

Patron: What is your name?

Desdemona: My name is Desdemona. (What are you going to do, report me? Please. Who do you think set these policies...not me! They came from above!).

Patron (sarcastically): Thank you very much. *click*

Sooooo....I go to the comments screen to see what others have said about this man, and to add my own warning (should he get the clever idea to dispute the charge. And sidebar--that is a petty, childish way to get your way. You made a mistake--own it. Only children throw temper tantrums and get away with it). Here is what I found from LAST summer and the previous manager.

07-06-07 - tickets for XXX on Hold for pick up - paid VISA - 7/20 - 8pm - G 10-12 - quoted no refunds no exchanges--Bee


Oh ho ho, Mr. Ash! Methinks you're a petty liar!! Grow a conscience, weenieman! I added my own comments:

3/11/08 Patron called to try to make an exchange. Clearly, as per Bee's comment 7/6/07, patron has been informed that there are no refunds and no exchanges on single ticket purchases. Either he has a faulty memory or chooses not to acknowledge this policy, because he reamed me out for not allowing him to make an exchange. I explained, yet again, that we do not allow refunds or exchanges for single ticket purchase. He was a pissy bugger. Somehow, I imagine he'll be back again next year with the same song and dance.

*name has been changed. Get it? GET IT?? ;-)

What a Jack Ash

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Desdemona: Thank you for calling the box office. My name is Desdemona. How may I help you?

Patron: Yes, I wanted to speak with someone in the box office about getting a subscription.

Desdemona: Sure thing.

Patron: I wanted to talk to someone about pricing and seating options.

Desdemona: Yes, may I help you?

Patron: OH!! That's you!!

Desdemona: (yes, genius, that's me. Hence the greeting I gave when I answered the phone!) Yes it is.

Patron: Great! Oh, a live person!!

Desdemona: (as opposed to the last time you called, when you got our house robot ICRU (Idiot Customer Response Unit). Yeesh.)

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The sign out front on our sales counter reads: "Today's matinee performance is SOLD OUT!"

Patron 1: Is today's performance sold out?

Desdemona: (no, you moron, we don't want anyone to come so we've said it's sold out to keep paying customers away!) Yes, it is sold out.

Patron 1: OK, thank you.

*time passes*

Patron 2: Is today's performance sold out?

Desdemona: (Does anyone know how to read anymore?) Yes, it is sold out.

Patron 2: OK, thank you.

This went on all afternoon...the sign could blink and people would still ask.



For today's performance, we took a waiting list. We have a few seats held for "in case of emergency" situations like broken chairs, mobility issues, etc. that we release 15 minutes prior to show time along with any returned seats we get from patrons. After we sold the emergency seats, people kept hanging out. I spoke up to let them know we'd given out our last seats and there were no more. The show was about to start.

Patron 1: Is there a time where you will give up the unclaimed will call seats?

Desdemona: No, sir, we cannot do that. Those seats are paid for already and in effect those patrons own those seats.

Patron 1 huffs like an impatient child.

(Hey buddy, how would you like it if those were your seats and you were stuck in traffic but we gave them up because you weren't here?? Get over it!)

Patron 2 (annoyed and twitchy): I didn't know you had to buy your seats ahead of time. I thought you could just walk up and get them.

Desdemona: Usually we have seats available for our shows, but this one sold out.

Patron 2: Well, you should advertise that better. I didn't know you had to purchase ahead of time. And I didn't know that it was assigned seating.

Desdemona: (well, now you know. Don't take it out on me because you're not prepared. Plays sell out all the time. It's a fact of life!) Yes, all of our shows are reserved seating.

Patron 2 huffs out of the lobby.

Plan ahead people!!! Plan ahead! And don't shoot the messenger!

February composite

And here is the February post composite.

Patron (calls on a Thursday): Hello, I'd like seats to Sunday's performance, please.

Desdemona: Sure thing. Let me see what we have... It looks like we have about 15 seats left.

Patron: Oh...are any of them down close.

Desdemona: (Yes, of course. Everyone decided that being as far away from the stage as possible was awesome and left all of the front center seats for you sorry saps who call three days before the show. No, crazy lady, they're in the back of the house. What do you think?) No, ma'am, they're on the last two rows.

Patron: Oh, dear. That's so high.

Desdemona: (indeed). I understand.

Patron: Well, I guess I'll have to pass this time.

She really was sweet, but seriously?

On a side note, who the hell comes to a play without at least the smallest of inkling of what a production is about?? And what hole does one have to live in to not realize that a show like Cabaret is...dare I say...risque and suggestive? So we had complaints at intermission tonight. I'm sorry, but aside from the love story between Sally and Cliff and the elderly couple, the show reflects the political spectrum of Germany immediately before the Nazis come to power. It's gonna be controversial. And it's called Cabaret...what did you think, a cabaret was a Disney cartoon??? Don't bitch at me because you didn't have the forethought to ask what you were buying. And by the way, get over it, ya big prude!

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This was a voicemail (amidst the 50+ we got today...show week...ugh!) that we got that had me rolling today! Seriously, some people.

Voicemail Patron: Uh, hello. I'm calling about your upcoming show of Cabernet (yes, I hear that goes well with a nice steak). Uh, I saw that you had a note on your ad that says "Some content may be unsuitable for some audiences," and I wanted to know what that means (it means that some content may be unsuitable for some audiences...what the fuck do you think it means?? It means nudity and language, you tard!) I wanted to know because I came to your last production and it had "gay themes," and if that's what this is I don't want to see it. *click*

Desdemona: Ok, idiot...no name, no number, and by the way, I'm thinking Cabaret, as in the show, no N and not a wine, is going to be a little too risque for your virgin eyes and ears.

P.S. I mentioned this call to one of my employees (who was in the show), and he was visibly shocked: Gay content?? I was in the show!! There wasn't any gay content!!

P.P.S. That was not the only call I got for "cabernet" today.

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As background information, loyal readers know that I've not worked here for very long, and there are lots of employees here.

Patron 1: I'd like tickets for the show next weekend.

Desdemona: Sure, what is your name please?

Patron 1 (looks confused): It's Mary Smith.*

Desdemona pulls up account and notices that Mary Smith is listed as an employee. She asks to make sure she has the right person since there is more than one listing.

Desdemona: Oh, are you employed here?

Patron 1 (huffs): For 18 years now!

Desdemona: (well, bully for you, lady) Do you have your ID?

Patron 1 (sighs again, contemptuously): no

Desdemona decides it's not worth pushing the issue...but wishes employee would get over herself and realize that she's one of several hundred employees here spread out over several buildings, not famous.

Time passes

Patron 2: Yes, I'd like to pick up my tickets.

Desdemona: Sure, could I have your name please?

Patron 2: It's John Doe.*

Desdemona: OK, I don't see any tickets on hold for you. What event was this for?

Patron 2 (bemused): This weekend's concert.

Desdemona: And have you reserved tickets for this event ahead of time?

Patron 2: Well, I'm here to get my comps.

Desdemona (Your comps??? Sheesh! After Patron 1, I'd better ask...I see where this is going): Are you an employee here?

Patron 2 (looks indignant): Yes I am.

Desdemona: May I see your ID?

Patron 2: I guess. Let me find it.

Again, Desdemona ponders why some of the upper-level employees here feel like the world should know who they are...and rolls her eyes to herself.

*Names are changed to protect the snooty.

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So today they're having an open house. Our box office is an open counter that looks out into the lobby of the building, and the people attending the open house are so fucking loud and they're leaning on our counter! I could kill me some HS seniors, but especially their parents. We're a box office, not the information desk! And furthermore, we're a place of business trying to do business with people on the phone. Shut up!!

Walk up "patron" 1: Where do we get the vouchers for lunch?

Desdemona: I don't know. This is the box office...

Walk up patron huffs away...

Walk up "patron" 2: How do I get to Philadelphia from here?

Desdemona: (uh, drive? I don't know!!) I could mapquest it for you...let me get my laptop.

Walk up "patron" 3 is leaning on our counter talking loudly on her cell.

Desdemona: (step away from the counter, rude lady! Go annoy someone else!)

PS, I just stepped in gum one of those visitors spit out on the floor. Kill me now before I kill one of them.

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Desdemona: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?

Patron: Yes, I'd like a ticket to tonight's show.

Desdemona: I'm sorry, we're sold out for the show.

Patron: What? But it's free??

Desdemona: Yes ma'am, but we only have 500 seats, and we have given out all the tickets for this show.

Patron (indignant): You're kidding!! I just found out that you even need a ticket for the event last night when I read the paper! You need to tell them that they need to advertise that better!

Desdemona: Uh, yeah...it was in the paper...it said you need a ticket...do you want someone to send you an engraved invitation? Get a grip, lady.

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Oh, geez, happy Monday. Nothing like getting a long winded patron with nothing to say. This woman went on and on about how she had two gift certificated that she wanted to use for tickets for our next production. She started reading me everything on the back of the gift certificate.

Patron: my gift certificate says: Amount=$116 (ok, you can stop now, that is for our summer performances and can't be used for the upcoming production, but I can't get a word in edgewise!), Certificate 45, Constituent number 12345....(and she's just going)

Desdemona: Yes, ma'am, but what does the front of the certificate say?

Patron: Gift certificate for two for X....

Desdemona: Ok, yes, that was the other certificate. What does the $108 one say on the front?

Patron: my gift certificate says: Amount=$116(yes, we've established this. I asked you to turn it over dingbat!), Certificate 45, Constituent number 12345...

Desdemona: Yes, ma'am, but I need you to turn it over and read to me what the other side says.

Patron: Oh, it says gift certificate says: Amount=$116, Certificate 45, Constituent number 12345...(save me from stupidity!)

Desdemona: I understand, but what does the other side say?

Patron: Oh...uh...I think this is for...uh...something else...

Desdemona: Is it green or yellow?

Patron: It's yellow

Desdemona: Yes, ma'am, those are for our summer productions. You will have to use that for tickets for our summer performances.

Patron: Oh...um...it says it expires 8/3/08

Desdemona: Yes, that is for our summer productions (geez lady, do I have to do an interpretive dance?)

Patron: Oh, ok. Oh, that's good because blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah...................................... (Desdemona takes mini-nap while patron monologues)

Time passes. Order is finally completed.

Desdemona: OK, so your total will be $30. Will this be a Visa or Mastercard today?

Patron (pauses, presumably to collect her thought. It's a long pause): Do you take American Express?

Desdemona: No, dingbat, I just asked you if it would be a Visa or Mastercard... No, we take Visa or Mastercard.

Patron: Ok, hold on a second...


Augh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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While working one of those crunchy granola shows (Allman Brothers I think), I had a guy come up to the window who looked like he hadn't seen the inside of a shower in, oh, about a month. He was dressed like he had time-travelled from Woodstock '69 onto our doorstep. He wanted a lawn ticket for the show, which was $22.

Hippie: Hey man...howzit goin'?

Desdemona: Fine...and how are you today?

Hippie: Man, I am awesome, man. It's an awesome day, man.

Desdemona: (I have a line dude, what do you need?!) What can I get for you today?

Hippie: Oh man, I this show is gonna be so awesome, man. Are you goin'?

Desdemona: No, I don't think so (I can get my contact high elsewhere. Granola music is not my scene).

Hippie: Oh man, you gotta go! It's gonna be so awesome!

Desdemona: Yes, we've established that. Where would you like to sit?

Hippie: Oh, yeah! Um, lawn? How much is it (proceeds to pull out crumpled wad of ones)

Desdemona: It's $22.

Hippie: Ok...lemme see...1, 2, 3...(counts his mess of money)...oh man...I only have $19.50...can I get, like, a discount man?

Desdemona: No, I'm sorry. Our system is only set up to take exact amounts

Hippie: Aw man...anyone got a couple bucks I can have man?

Friendly patron: Sure dude, here $2

Friendly patron 2: I got $2 as well.

Hippie: Man, thanks man! You're cool dudes, man! Awesome!!

Desdemona: Here you go.

Hippie: Thanks man, you have an awesome day man!

Desdemona: You too, dude. ;-)


Hippies...they take care of one another...